Wednesday – easy, tiger

Up at stupid o’clock, I shuffle around the apartment in a stupor, throwing random things into my backpack in an attempt at packing an overnight bag. Still half-asleep, I clamber into Tik’s car, and the three of us are off to Pattaya, via Sriracha Tiger Zoo.

We stop for coffee along the way, and I catch up with Milo when he calls Martin’s cellphone. He’s been at a Buddhist retreat for days, doing intensive meditation in order to give up smoking. Except he’s escaped, and is on the way back to Bangkok. We’ll catch up with him next week.

A quick coffee and a cigarette for me, and back to the drive. We finally arrive at Sriracha Tiger Zoo, and see some amazing sights. First up is the crocodile show, where a Thai boy and girl poke, drag and generally agitate a number of crocodiles, before putting their hands, arms and heads into the crocs’ open mouths, tempting fate a little too much for my liking, but remaining thankfully unharmed. You wonder how happy the crocodiles are with their lot, but such sentiment is lost here. Afterwards, I guiltily eat crocodile satay and crocodile soup. Sorry.

Next up is the elephant show, easily the most fun. A succession of elephants trot around the arena and entertain us by playing basketball, spinning hoops on their trunks, walking on their hind legs, walking tightropes, and gently massaging a couple of prone audience volunteers with their feet and trunks. Martin and I buy a bag of fruit to feed to them after the show, a great photo opportunity.

Next up is the petting zoo – camels, geckos, igunanas, wallabies, rabbits, snakes and even a fawn and a horse. Then into the Scorpion Queen’s lair, where a very bored-looking woman sits wearing a t-shirt covered with clinging scorpions. Thrilling if you’re scared of scorpions I suppose, but having never really had to deal with them I haven’t built up any kind of aversion – hence not particularly interested.

Next up is pig racing, and a pig mathematician. No, really. There are six tokens on the floor, numbered 1-6. The (giant) pig is trained to understand addition, subtraction, multiplication and division – in five languages! Through the loudhailer, I say “two times three”, and he trots forward to lift the number 6 token for me. Martin and Tik try several others, he gets them all right. I thought he might get confused by Tik’s “five divided by one”, but he trots happily to the 5 token without hesitation. I wonder why I bothered doing my A-levels and AS-levels (Pure Mathematics with Mechanics, Pure Mathematics with Statistics, and Further Mathematics, at various points and amongst others) when I could have gained far more recognition and appreciation just by performing the most basic numeracy in a zoo. But perhaps you need to be a pig for it to be impressive.

The pig racing is just what it sounds, and is amusing but nowhere near as impressive. We wander on to the main event, the tiger show. We’re in a covered arena, in the middle of which is a caged enclosure where the tigers and tamers emerge. About ten tigers are assembled, and do a variety of tricks, starting by rearing onto their hind legs and shaking hands with the tamers, and culminating in jumping through flaming hoops and walking tightropes. Impressive, but like the crocodiles (and quite unlike the elephants), they seem entirely unimpressed with their lot, and misbehave frequently when not performing. I think that the pointy sticks they’re threatened with are rather more of an incentive than any great love of play or people. It seems sad, but I suppose that’s why you can’t see this sort of thing in the UK any more – probably quite rightly.

After the show we’re almost done – but on the way out we enter the nursery where we see a mother pig rearing several tiger cubs, and a mother tiger rearing several piglets! The piglets are wearing tigerskin-effect jackets, presumably to convince the mother that they’re tigers, but the tigers are fortunately not wrapped in bacon or anything else. Very cute, if a little bizarre! Finally I get to hold a tiger cub myself (although only for the moment it takes to be photographed), and it’s incredibly cute, if damn heavy! Photo in this post, and more on Flickr.

After such a busy afternoon, it’s time to relax, and we drive on to Pattaya. Martin and Tik are booked in on a freebie at the Sheratton Grand – a six-star luxury hotel. I’d thought about treating myself by booking a single room here, but since it’s going to cost at least £100, I think better of it. Still, I get to admire Martin and Tik’s room, and to make full use of the swimming pools during what’s left of the afternoon and early evening.

Once the sun goes down, it’s time for dinner – Tik drives us to a restaurant/hotel called, bizarrely, Cabbages and Condoms. The meal, overlooking Pattaya beach, is fantastic, and as time’s getting on I decide to get a room here. It’s expensive for Thailand – 2,400 Baht (about £35) for the cheapest room, but it’s rather more luxurious than you’d get for the same money in the UK. The biggest bed I’ve ever seen (quadruple?), TV, a very comfy sofa, windows on two sides showing a great view of the gardens, and an en-suite bathroom. I dump my stuff, and we hit Pattaya itself.

Pattaya: you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.

What can I say? It’s like Patpong, Nana and Soi Cowboy rolled into one, multiplied by the age of the universe in milliseconds, and then served on a platter of white-hot filth. Which is quite nice, if you like that sort of thing. But the most shocking part of all for this author is the fact that I had to pay 230 Baht (£3.35) for a can of Guinness. Now that’s disgusting.